Re-opening of the Wound!!!

My cell rang with her name... I've been waiting for that call and thinking about it for almost a month now...

A month ago she called me to tell me that my ex-boyfriend proposed to HER and that she wants to make sure that we will still be friends if she marries him... And of course, I was like "ya benty batally 3abat, you will always be my friend no matter what happens"... And I finally thanked her for her honesty and concern and wished her a happy life with the guy I used to love more than anything in the world...

I cried my eyes out... Cried because I felt betrayed, decieved and unworthy of anything... I didn't hate her... I just felt that she won and I lost. Although I was the one to abandon him because of his ill-treatment and his never ending drama... but still, I felt that I wasn't worth his effort... I admit I was expecting him to try to win me back, but I shouldn't have expected or wanted that in the first place... It was my decision to leave, so I shouldn't want to go back to the misery I was in...

But the truth is, each time she contacts me in any way, I start remembering how worthless I was to him and I start losing confidence and esteem again... I wish I could be rude once in my entire life and ask her never to contact me again. But how can I do that? I've never been rude to anyone... Besides, she didn't do anything wrong... It's all naseeb, and the guy likes her and rabena yes3edhom.. Then WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME? Why do I feel all this rage? why do I constantly feel like insulting them both and telling them how low and filthy they are? I can't just be rude because this is not me... but I don't want to be the naiive, simple, kind, forgiving me... I want to be strong, rude and unbehaved... I want to take revenge... but this is not my nature... I am not what I want myself to be... and there is no revenge to take... I hate myself the way it is... I am all weak and nice and emotional and sensitive... I wish I'd change to the opposite of me...

She is feeling guilty, and accordingly, she keeps calling me and checking on me every now and then... but what she is actually doing is making me feel the pain again and again and again.. She is reminding me of where I used to be and what I suffered from... She is reminding me of how stupid I was...

I wish I could simply have the courage to ignore her phone calls and emails and let her out of my life.. not that I hate her or anything, but that I want to forget and move on... and talking to her is like opening up the wound and making myself bleed all over again... I wish she could understand that she's hurting me even more and leave me alone... I wish she could disappear from my life and from my memories... but like Kundera states it "The struggle of man against power is the struggle of memory against forgetting"..

I really wish I'd be someone else other than me... I wish I can hide or maybe isolate myself from everyone... I wish I could erase myself from the world...

I hate myself...