The man of my life...
The man that I've lived with for the past 24 years and 10 months...
I love him like I never loved anyone before...
He brought me up to be what I am... A successful, hardworking woman...
He obliged me to wear the veil when I was 12... He taught me to pray, to obey, to sacrifice, to talk... He even taught me how to bargain my first salary...
He is the best man I've ever wished for... I always wanted to marry someone like him... Someone as smart, as generous, as knowledgeable, as manly... He sent me to the best college in my country, encouraged me to pursue graduate studies, and always pushes me forward into becoming a better person...
He is my friend... I tell him almost everything that happens in my life.. Every single detail... We spend an hour everyday talking about how my day went, what did I do, whom did I talk to... And I see the enjoyment in his eyes listening to his girl's daily details... And when I come home upset and lock myself in my room, he calls me, comes up and cheers me up, asking me to spend sometime with him because he misses me... He is a great person...
I really respect him and thank mum for choosing such a great father...
But these days... Actually this whole year has been a disaster for my whole family... We have been facing many problems (EHL) and those problems seem to increase every minute and get harder to bear every second, and thank God we seem to handle and tolerate and accept things... But suddenly, I started feeling like I cannot take the burden anymore...
He simply changed into someone always in panic... Not able to help, not able to calm us down or take care of us... Once we faced the major problem of all, I found him the first to hide into his cave... No words, no tears, no comforting actions.. Nothing... He just left me all messed up in all the problems and hid himself... And for the first time in my life I found myself alone in this world... He is not there... He is Never there... He is always in a bad mood, not talking to anyone and hiding from the problem and asking me, without saying it out loud to take care of everything instead... Whether its money, emotions, taking care of things, worrying about things, even mum is not his problem anymore... He threw everything on my shoulder and asked me to fix it up for him... And all he does now is get depressed and go pray...
I dont know whether how I feel is in place, or am I just angry because he has changed... What i realised is that he didnt change... It is just that he has never been into problems that big before and when they came, he was the first to hide and disappear... I understood my father for the first time in my life... What bothered me even more is that even in the good moments of my life he was never there.. I graduated 3 times now and he attended none of them, claiming that he hates to wait and listen to those boring speeches and hates being in crowded places... But I always thought that I could be worth his tolerating a speech for me... I didnt ask for more than 3 hours of speech... Is it that big a deal??? It was always for him... I always wonder whether he will attend my wedding ceremony or not... What bothers me even more is that he never appreciated anything I did to the family... Not even the fact that I am a financially independent women.. Ive been independent for 3 years now, and he never ever considered that something... He always made fun of me, claiming that this is not considered independence... Moreover, he controls my going out, my curfew, the way I dress and the way I behave... And for the first time in ages I feel like he doesnt have the right to do that anymore... Now that I am what I am, and in that age, he shouldnt tell me what to do and not to do... I cannot tolerate his controlling me anymore...
I dont want to talk to him anymore... I dont even have the usual conversations with him anymore... I dont want to sit beside him, listen to him or any contact whatsoever... He is turning into somebody I dont know... I never knew... Leaving me alone in all these messes and causing me depression every single second is something I cannot bear...
I need a crying shoulder... Mum is always depressed because of her sickness and our economic conditions that are falling every single second... And I have to cheer her up and assure her that everything will be ok soon (ISA)... I have to so damn affectionate and happy to make her happy and cheerful, for her to regain her health and be back to normal... I have to obtain a loan to pay for her huge hospital bill which is basically 2 years of my salary... And he is not there... He is hiding... Not even comforting me and making me feel like everything will be just fine and will take time to heal... He is never there anymore... And he keeps reminding me of the problems that cannot be fixed and that we have to live with them for good...
All I see is a hopeless father, watching TV, praying and waiting for a solution to fall from the sky and help him out...
I hope I'll have the strength to get this family out of its mess and help it out of all its problems... I hope I can make them happy again and never worry about anything in the world... I hope I can be someone else but me...
I love him like I never loved anyone before...
He brought me up to be what I am... A successful, hardworking woman...
He obliged me to wear the veil when I was 12... He taught me to pray, to obey, to sacrifice, to talk... He even taught me how to bargain my first salary...
He is the best man I've ever wished for... I always wanted to marry someone like him... Someone as smart, as generous, as knowledgeable, as manly... He sent me to the best college in my country, encouraged me to pursue graduate studies, and always pushes me forward into becoming a better person...
He is my friend... I tell him almost everything that happens in my life.. Every single detail... We spend an hour everyday talking about how my day went, what did I do, whom did I talk to... And I see the enjoyment in his eyes listening to his girl's daily details... And when I come home upset and lock myself in my room, he calls me, comes up and cheers me up, asking me to spend sometime with him because he misses me... He is a great person...
I really respect him and thank mum for choosing such a great father...
But these days... Actually this whole year has been a disaster for my whole family... We have been facing many problems (EHL) and those problems seem to increase every minute and get harder to bear every second, and thank God we seem to handle and tolerate and accept things... But suddenly, I started feeling like I cannot take the burden anymore...
He simply changed into someone always in panic... Not able to help, not able to calm us down or take care of us... Once we faced the major problem of all, I found him the first to hide into his cave... No words, no tears, no comforting actions.. Nothing... He just left me all messed up in all the problems and hid himself... And for the first time in my life I found myself alone in this world... He is not there... He is Never there... He is always in a bad mood, not talking to anyone and hiding from the problem and asking me, without saying it out loud to take care of everything instead... Whether its money, emotions, taking care of things, worrying about things, even mum is not his problem anymore... He threw everything on my shoulder and asked me to fix it up for him... And all he does now is get depressed and go pray...
I dont know whether how I feel is in place, or am I just angry because he has changed... What i realised is that he didnt change... It is just that he has never been into problems that big before and when they came, he was the first to hide and disappear... I understood my father for the first time in my life... What bothered me even more is that even in the good moments of my life he was never there.. I graduated 3 times now and he attended none of them, claiming that he hates to wait and listen to those boring speeches and hates being in crowded places... But I always thought that I could be worth his tolerating a speech for me... I didnt ask for more than 3 hours of speech... Is it that big a deal??? It was always for him... I always wonder whether he will attend my wedding ceremony or not... What bothers me even more is that he never appreciated anything I did to the family... Not even the fact that I am a financially independent women.. Ive been independent for 3 years now, and he never ever considered that something... He always made fun of me, claiming that this is not considered independence... Moreover, he controls my going out, my curfew, the way I dress and the way I behave... And for the first time in ages I feel like he doesnt have the right to do that anymore... Now that I am what I am, and in that age, he shouldnt tell me what to do and not to do... I cannot tolerate his controlling me anymore...
I dont want to talk to him anymore... I dont even have the usual conversations with him anymore... I dont want to sit beside him, listen to him or any contact whatsoever... He is turning into somebody I dont know... I never knew... Leaving me alone in all these messes and causing me depression every single second is something I cannot bear...
I need a crying shoulder... Mum is always depressed because of her sickness and our economic conditions that are falling every single second... And I have to cheer her up and assure her that everything will be ok soon (ISA)... I have to so damn affectionate and happy to make her happy and cheerful, for her to regain her health and be back to normal... I have to obtain a loan to pay for her huge hospital bill which is basically 2 years of my salary... And he is not there... He is hiding... Not even comforting me and making me feel like everything will be just fine and will take time to heal... He is never there anymore... And he keeps reminding me of the problems that cannot be fixed and that we have to live with them for good...
All I see is a hopeless father, watching TV, praying and waiting for a solution to fall from the sky and help him out...
I hope I'll have the strength to get this family out of its mess and help it out of all its problems... I hope I can make them happy again and never worry about anything in the world... I hope I can be someone else but me...
posted by Bambouzo @ 9:45 PM
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