Call Ended..

Got dressed and left for a car ride alone.. I really needed to be alone... Listening to "3 days grace"... "Pain.. without love.. Pain.. Cant get enough... Pain.. like it rough coz I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all....."


Driving so fast... as fast as the thoughts running in my head...
Cant find a solution... Cant let the tears out... Can do nothing but feel the way I feel..

Only an hour of fast driving coz I have to go home... My curfew is almost there... Unfortunately I have to go home...

Sleepless..
My head still filled with the same fast thoughts
Pain.. alot of it... In the heart.. I can feel it aching.. It is broken..
Sleepless... Sad... Depressed... Ashamed... Angry... Broken...

Even guilt has formed part of my feelings... Guilt coz I was the reason for all those negative emotions that are killing me.. I was the reason for all this mess I am in... And now, after all I've done to myself, I'm feeling helpless... confused... How should I act? How should I behave? How should I feel?? Should I feel the way I do or am I over reacting? Is it worth it? am I worth it?

Sleepless... tried so hard for 2 hours to fall asleep but there was no use...

A hot shower can make me sleep... Some praying...
I still cant sleep...

She is jealous... She hates me...

She came in late... Our curfew is 10:30pm... Thats the rule in our house...
I am 25 years old and still have the same curfew... I was always obedient, always afraid to break the rules and never broke them on purpose... I always made sure I followed every single rule he set for me... Not just that I was afraid of his furious moments (He never hit me... He knew that words are enough to tame me), its that I dont like making him upset...

Anyway, so she came late, as usual... half an hour late... And he started yelling at her and gave her a punishment not to go out again because she doesnt obey him... She shouted back, yelled, cried, defending herself... And all I could her is my name "eshme3na Heya"... She is basically believing that my Dad treats me differently... That he allows me to do stuff and doesnt allow her to do... But the truth is, its the opposite that is true... But she is jealous... Always jealous of me and hating me... Always finding ways to hurt me or make me sad (writing in my notebooks, cutting off the sleaves of my top with scissors, spilling sauce on my white bag and it doesnt come out, breaking my bangles.... and loads of these kinda things)... And still she totally believes that I am there to ruin her life somehow... She always makes comparisons and always feels like I am her greatest and worst enemy... The other day I discovered that she takes my cell phone after I fall asleep... Not only did she make phonecalls and make my bill grow more expensive, but she reads my messages and stops my alarm from going on so that I dont wake up to pray... How should I define or react to such action of hers??

I sometimes wonder how on earth can we be sisters... She loves making me annoyed or depressed... She never made me anything nice... Always ruining anything that has to do with me... And even when she is in trouble with mum and dad, she related it back to me, or compares herself to me, or their treating us differently...

Is it my fault that I obey rules? Is it my fault that I am the eldest? Is it my fault that I am thinner? Is it my fault that I am independent financially and buy my own stuff?? Is it my fault that I respect my parents and they are both my friends and I am always on good terms with them?

Not just do I mind my own business, I also get her whatever she wants, give her money, accept the fact that she is rude and messy... But more than that I cant tolerate nor ignore... I am tired of her crap and really wish I could leave the house to stop sharing the same room with her...

War is Peace

Before going into detail of the brilliance of this sentence, I would like to refer to the genius George Orwell who wrote the book "1984" which amazed me and all its readers for sure... This guy is totally Nutts to write something like that...

War is Peace...

Lets just look at the whole big slogan of Oceania

"War is Peace

Ignorance is Strength

Freedom is Slavery"

Not only does he give a full account of a world of communism and how horrible it gets... He makes the reader live in this communist world and feel trapped, stressed, scared, and rebelious... What is more interesting is that we are living in the world he is describing in the book... Although it is not as harsh as he puts it, but still contains many of the basic facts and problems...

War is Peace...

I read this part of the book where he talks about this particular part of the slogan... And the idea or the meaning of it simply amazed me... I couldnt leave the book till I totally figured out what he wants to explain out of it...

Since the world is divided into 3 parts... 3 superpowers who basically have the same thoughts, the same constitution, the same rules, and the same power, but assume that they are totally different areas with totally different ways of thinking... Oceania, which is basically ruled by England is in continuous war with its enemy (Eastasia or Eurasia; one of them) without there being any reason but that war but a political/economic one... It is a very tricky one and it reminds me of the world I'm living in right now...

If there is war, it means that all the resources and inventions of a country are directed towards the production of arms and the spending on the military and on the war... Which means taking money from the people and their resources... People are poor and scared... They worry only about survival... They worry about their basic physical needs of food, clothing, shelter and safety from the war... Hence, they have no space to think about the corruption of the government... The government makes this war to make use of the surplus produced by its labor... If this surplus prevails, people will have luxuries and accordingly will have time and space to think, react and become intelligent... But with war, there is poverty and with poverty comes illiteracy, and the need for survival and that is basically it... No room for rebellion... No room for a voice to be heard...

So smart of a corrupt government... So smart of a corrupt world... What does the U.S. do to the world? It threatens it every single second with a war... What they are doing in Iraq? Knowing that a country could have good weapons that could beat it, they killed the whole country, its president, its citizens, its economy, every single thing, so that they could return to their poverty and worry about nothing but survival... And this is the case for every third world country or a Muslim country who would try or seem to threaten the so called "peace" the Americans are trying to live in... Their peace is our war... Their peace is us being in war forever... Being poor forever... Being backward all the time...

They simply break their own rules or peace... Because it would deprive them of their own peace... They are the only ones to have a surplus to distribute it on us, Third World countries and we stay as we are, poor and ignorant... Unable to have a voice... Unable to get out of the war...

Its an economic war... A war of hunger, death, ignorance, for the whole world but them...

Orwell was right... He expected it all 50 years ago...

Filled with positive feelings all of a sudden... Mainly love and confidence...

I am so in love... Head over heels... Terribly in love... Filled with emotions... Like he said, speedy with love, taking it and running with it... Doing everything with love and out of love... I just love him and I never denied it and never will... Living every single day knowing that he will be in it and will share it with me somehow... Living every moment hoping that the next he will tell me something nice or maybe confess that he has something for me... Waiting... Always waiting for him... waiting for love...

And confidence, I am filled with it since I lost weight... I dont recognise myself anymore... I look in the mirror and question myself whether this is me and whether I finally accept it and like it...

I finally feel beautiful... I feel nice... I feel sexy... I feel like I am somebody... At last, a human being worth love, admiration, respect, and trust... I finally started respecting myself and accepting who I am and loving it kaman...

I am happy, I am relaxed, I am in love, I am CONFIDENT :)

Greed:	High
Gluttony:	Medium
Wrath:	Medium
Sloth:	Medium
Envy:	Medium
Lust:	Very Low
Pride:	Medium

Discover Your Sins - Click Here

OMG.. I'm not lustful AT ALL... Hehehehe... That is so weird.. And I am very greedy... I dont think this thing is true...

Have you ever felt a heartache?
Not the ache you feel when u're hurt becoz of "love", a real heartache... When you feel like the left side of ur chest is in pain... When love beats u to an extent that you REALLY feel an ache in your heart...

Have you ever felt the jealousy that women feel? Its like fire is burning all over... Very high blood pressure, very fierce attitude, walking up and down the room, dying to break something, scream or do any action to let out the rage...

Have you ever felt the love of a woman?
When she is filled with passion and emotions towards a person... Willing to give indefinitely and expecting no return... Wanting so much to make that person happy... Wanting so much to dedicate her life for him...

Have you ever felt the hate that comes after love? When the softness of ur heart turns into a stone and you feel extreme hate instead of love... When you feel like u waisted ur time, effort and emotions on someone u now hate so much... When u regret every single moment... Hate... The total opposite of what u used to feel...

Have you ever felt the happiness of being desired? The sadness of being rejected? The pain of breaking someones heart? The pain of leaving the one you love because he doesnt appreciate you? The butterflies that come with holding hands? The happiness that comes when you finally see the one you love? The sobs that you get when u're broken?


He told me that all this doesnt exist... He said that I am living a big dream and that life is not about love and that love is none existent... He told me that love fades, dies, disappears... And whats more important is getting used to a person and being able to live with him... He told me that a good respectable life is more important thant love... He told me that I am too sensitive and too emotional, too childish and too unrealistic... He told me that I have to change...

Do I have to?

Today, for the first time in 25 years, I realised that he loves me...
I always thought he was there just to give orders, shout, and make me obey him against my will... But today, he was more than just my dad... He was the best dad I could ever wish to have...

I was depressed... Actually Ive been depressed for quite a long while now... And he was quite understanding, loving and caring...
He was taking me in his arms, not asking me what is wrong with me, or wanting to help me out... He was just there, hugging me somehow... telling me that its ok to get depressed and need to be alone... And he wanted me so much to be with him... To spend time with him... He told me that he misses me, and that he enjoys my company... He also told me that I'm his best kid...

I was over the moon... I felt loved... Finally loved...