The man of my life...

The man that I've lived with for the past 24 years and 10 months...
I love him like I never loved anyone before...
He brought me up to be what I am... A successful, hardworking woman...
He obliged me to wear the veil when I was 12... He taught me to pray, to obey, to sacrifice, to talk... He even taught me how to bargain my first salary...

He is the best man I've ever wished for... I always wanted to marry someone like him... Someone as smart, as generous, as knowledgeable, as manly... He sent me to the best college in my country, encouraged me to pursue graduate studies, and always pushes me forward into becoming a better person...

He is my friend... I tell him almost everything that happens in my life.. Every single detail... We spend an hour everyday talking about how my day went, what did I do, whom did I talk to... And I see the enjoyment in his eyes listening to his girl's daily details... And when I come home upset and lock myself in my room, he calls me, comes up and cheers me up, asking me to spend sometime with him because he misses me... He is a great person...
I really respect him and thank mum for choosing such a great father...

But these days... Actually this whole year has been a disaster for my whole family... We have been facing many problems (EHL) and those problems seem to increase every minute and get harder to bear every second, and thank God we seem to handle and tolerate and accept things... But suddenly, I started feeling like I cannot take the burden anymore...

He simply changed into someone always in panic... Not able to help, not able to calm us down or take care of us... Once we faced the major problem of all, I found him the first to hide into his cave... No words, no tears, no comforting actions.. Nothing... He just left me all messed up in all the problems and hid himself... And for the first time in my life I found myself alone in this world... He is not there... He is Never there... He is always in a bad mood, not talking to anyone and hiding from the problem and asking me, without saying it out loud to take care of everything instead... Whether its money, emotions, taking care of things, worrying about things, even mum is not his problem anymore... He threw everything on my shoulder and asked me to fix it up for him... And all he does now is get depressed and go pray...

I dont know whether how I feel is in place, or am I just angry because he has changed... What i realised is that he didnt change... It is just that he has never been into problems that big before and when they came, he was the first to hide and disappear... I understood my father for the first time in my life... What bothered me even more is that even in the good moments of my life he was never there.. I graduated 3 times now and he attended none of them, claiming that he hates to wait and listen to those boring speeches and hates being in crowded places... But I always thought that I could be worth his tolerating a speech for me... I didnt ask for more than 3 hours of speech... Is it that big a deal??? It was always for him... I always wonder whether he will attend my wedding ceremony or not... What bothers me even more is that he never appreciated anything I did to the family... Not even the fact that I am a financially independent women.. Ive been independent for 3 years now, and he never ever considered that something... He always made fun of me, claiming that this is not considered independence... Moreover, he controls my going out, my curfew, the way I dress and the way I behave... And for the first time in ages I feel like he doesnt have the right to do that anymore... Now that I am what I am, and in that age, he shouldnt tell me what to do and not to do... I cannot tolerate his controlling me anymore...

I dont want to talk to him anymore... I dont even have the usual conversations with him anymore... I dont want to sit beside him, listen to him or any contact whatsoever... He is turning into somebody I dont know... I never knew... Leaving me alone in all these messes and causing me depression every single second is something I cannot bear...

I need a crying shoulder... Mum is always depressed because of her sickness and our economic conditions that are falling every single second... And I have to cheer her up and assure her that everything will be ok soon (ISA)... I have to so damn affectionate and happy to make her happy and cheerful, for her to regain her health and be back to normal... I have to obtain a loan to pay for her huge hospital bill which is basically 2 years of my salary... And he is not there... He is hiding... Not even comforting me and making me feel like everything will be just fine and will take time to heal... He is never there anymore... And he keeps reminding me of the problems that cannot be fixed and that we have to live with them for good...

All I see is a hopeless father, watching TV, praying and waiting for a solution to fall from the sky and help him out...

I hope I'll have the strength to get this family out of its mess and help it out of all its problems... I hope I can make them happy again and never worry about anything in the world... I hope I can be someone else but me...

Routine

The daily routine is killing me... I never felt that bored in my life...
I am the kind of person who doesnt have a second to think because I do so many things in the same instant... Study, work, do house work, see my friends, go shopping... I never rest or lie there doing nothing...

And all of a sudden, I am all empty doing nothing but going to work and back home and back to work and back home... The same routine, with very very boring afternoons... No friends around... All busy with their own studies which I already finished.... nothing to worry or think about but work and my mum's illness...

So I find my mind thinking and wanting so many weird things I never thought of before... I am on a diet these days... Although I dont hate how I look whatsoever, but I'm always thinking "I need to look sexy"... Then, it was my teeth that I made look even more white... And now, I'm dying to have a belly button ring... I dont know why... I've always been afraid of needles and I've always hated piercing, but now, I want one...

Then, its travelling abroad... Although I know for sure that my dad will Never let me travel anywhere on my own, I'm still thinking about it and looking for scholarships to apply to and fly away from here....

What else will come to this mind of mine and what can I do to get rid of this boredom I'm suffering from?!?!?! Should I study? Should I go for a PhD? Should I calm down and get used to the new circumstances?

Fayoum - 20th of June, 2006

I wrote this after one of my field visits to Fayoum...

Fayoum, a governorate less than an hour away from the capital of Cairo. A place I visited as a tourist, and a week later as a development specialist. And no one would ever imagine the existence of such communities and such large number of people living under these conditions and such circumstances.

I was asked to conduct some interviews on a trivial issue whose results I already knew. However, the visits have added a lot to my personality, experience and emotions that I appreciate every single second I spent in the field. I went to this school were I spent about an hour talking to 20 girls whose ages ranged from 7 to 12 years. They were creating their own statues out of dough and coloring them with water colors. They made some very nice artistic statues of turtles, the pyramids, and snakes. When I started talking to them, they all smiled and laughed with shyness and whenever I asked a question, they would stand up to answer it out of politeness. They are so simple and fragile, yet strong and responsible for so many tasks. Even their going to school is done just for the sake of them getting food at the end of the month for their brothers and sisters. It’s an economic need. A need to feed the huge households.

One of the houses I was invited to was made of bricks. It was so close to the school and looking at the terraa. They invited me to sit in this room on a rug (7aseera) and I had a chance to conduct my meaningless interview and ask them some questions that had nothing to do with my study. All the people in fayoum are so generous. Although they are very poor, you can’t pass by a house without being invited by it’s inhabitants for lunch. I was asked by all my interviewees to have lunch or have tea at least with pie, but I simply couldn’t add a burden to those families by consuming their own food. However, I drank some tea at one of the rich houses in the rural settlement I was visiting. This house actually had a room furnished with golden chairs and a big couch. They made me tea and brought me their electric fan, which is probably one of the luxuries in the village. They also brought me the kids into this relatively luxurious room to interview them and for me not to have to move in the sun and hot weather. However, I insisted on going to the school, where I met the children and their fathers. The kids were adorable. One of them is called Rahma, which is mercy in English. Her name touched me as well as her very cunning and naughty smile. I will never forget her wit and smartness. She is 7 years old and her father died leaving her with 2 brother and 2 sisters. Her older brother is the wealthy man who invited us to his house for tea and cool air. He is married to 2 women and has 4 kids himself. His eldest daughter is 18 and told me with a very nice smile that she’s getting married by the end of this year. And when I asked her if she will be having a job or staying at home like most women in her village, she informed me that she has a diploma and wishes to teach in community schools.

During the interviews, Rahma sat right in front of me in a round table where all the girls and one boy sat and I chatted with them all. Rahma answered all the questions for all the children sitting around. She knew everything about each family. And when I teased her by telling her to give a chance for others to answer for themselves, she gave me this very naughty smile and never stopped talking all the time. She was so amusing… I definitely hope to track her journey of life. She is so bright and so adorable (MSA). I will never forget her. And when I asked them all to write their names down for me on a sheet of paper to check their hand writings, I was impressed by their ability to actually write their names in the extreme poverty they are living in. They go to school to get the food for their family, they work on their fields with their parents, they cook and clean the house, and they fetch things from the market for their mothers. They basically do everything at such a young age. A 7 year-old girl like Rahma, does all these tasks and still have the energy and time to play with her brother’s kids who are older than she is.

Another family whose size shocked me is one consisting of 9 children. Hanan actually has 8 brothers and sisters and her father died. She goes to school, again, to obtain food for her family, and her eldest brother, whose married and has 2 girls, farms the land (with rice and vegetables she said), on which the 2 families totally depend. I was amazed by the ability of these people to survive all the hardships of life, and I actually kept thanking God for everything I have. Water is a luxury, health is a luxury, food is a luxury, even the paved roads is a luxury for people of my country.

I felt happiness that I have never felt before. I felt satisfied for the first time in my life. Going to these areas makes me happy and meeting those people and listening to their problems and seeing them smile at me makes my day J. I loved everything about it, the dirt, the smell, the crowdedness, the kids running around and smiling at me with shyness, the parents inviting me for tea, the simple houses, the cattle moving all round me, the ducks swimming in the lake with the ladies washing their clothes and dishes in the same lake and the kids bathing with the cattle. I simply was amazed by everything and happy. Happy for no reason but the fact that I created a smile on those people’s faces and shared a minute of their lives.

Now what?!?!?!?!

And now what?
I achieved everything I was aiming for... Finally!
But then what? I've always lived knowing that I am about to achieve something... But now, I'm out of something to achieve... And I simply cant take it anymore...

I can’t just live like that. I cannot continue ending each day without knowing that after a little while I will be achieving on my dreams, my aims in this world…
I’ve simply finished everything… My high school, bachelors degree, my masters degree, I have a job and I got promoted…. What else would I need to achieve? I have no clue and I really need something to work on… waking up everyday and sleeping without having something to worry about or look forward to is not something I really enjoy… I used to think while I was studying, I am so excited that I’m going to end this and have a free mind for good… But now that I’m free, I am not happy about it… I have no idea why… Maybe cause I’m an extra active person… don’t like lying there doing nothing… and when I have nothing to do, I start wanting for things and searching for things that I shouldn’t want or Hate to want… So I should find myself something FAST before I die of the boredom I’m living in…

They are all telling me to start my PhD… But I don’t want to… I can’t study in this country… I simply can’t… I want to study abroad and my parents are totally against that… So I have to figure out a way to convince them, or else find another achievement to go for…

Is it that hard to figure out something to do? I am out of dreams, aims and hopes for the future… I feel so old to even want something… I never felt that way but these days, when I realized that in 3 months, I will be 25 years old… 25 is a big number… I am so scared of it and don’t want it to come already… I feel like I’m too young to be 25… Twenty Five!!! Oh My God L I don’t want to be 25 years old… at this age, mum had a kid and was pregnant… she had a home of her own… she had a life… and look at me… I have nothing… just a piece of typed paper saying that I’ve been studying for 2 and half years to achieve a degree… Sigh… should I consider all that an achievement… I am starting to get tired of hearing people wishing me to get married… Everyone is worried that I didn’t get married yet… Everyone is trying to remind me of how old I’ve become and how hopeless it is for me to get married… Everyone is so worried and were successful in making me worried as well… I wasn’t worried… I always saw myself young, but all I hear is “3o2bal el 3arees”… especially that my cousins are all married and it’s my turn… I wasn’t worried I swear till everyone started stressing the fact that I have to get married… As if it’s me who fetches a guy and proposes…

For the first time in my entire life I find myself Empty... and this emptiness is killing me... Its not that I have plenty of free time... Its just that my time ends meaninglessly...

Hopelessly Romantic

I've been trying to fight the way I am for so long now... But today I realised that this particular characteristic of mine can never be changed...
I am emotional and romantic... This is how I am and how Ive always been... I use my heart in everything I do... Every step I take... I love everything around me and build emotions towards everything... My office, my colleagues, the office boys, the parking people, and of course my friends, family, relatives, and even objects... My computer, my teddy bear, my books... I simply LOVE whatever that is close to me...

Love is a great feeling and I simply use it in all aspects of my life and I have no idea how to just stop doing that... It is wrong to be emotional, especially at work when you have to be serious, harsh and want to have a successful career... I tried so many times to hide my feelings, to become a different person, to avoid my emotions, but I simply couldn't... It is very tough for a person like me to hide his emotions or change...

Emotions and love are the only reason I'm alive till this day... Without it I wouldn't have become what I am now... I love my professors, thats why I succeed... I love my parents and obey them for that... I love my friends, thats why I still gather them till this day... I love my boss and thats why I am still working in the same place for 2 years now... I love endlessly... and the only thing that bothers me and makes me want to change is that I never get the same amount of love back... not even a tiny bit of it... I give endlessly and enjoy making people happy and care for everyone... I love seeing people happy, successful, in love, and enjoying their lives...

I shouldnt change right? I am not that bad... I just will suffer for the rest of my life because no one will love or give the way I do, so I will always be expecting too much and never getting it... and giving too much and not getting as much in return... I will continue loving and not being loved back... I will continue falling and hurting myself the way I do... and I dont care anymore because it is ME... I cant hide from me or change me... Have to accept it and bear the consequences...

PMSing..

The worst phenomena in the whole world… It is meaningless, tiring, dramatic and irritating…
It made me spend the whole Valentine’s night in bed, frowning, eating tons of chocolate and trying to find reasons why I feel that way… I was hating the whole world for no reason whatsoever… Hating myself, my family, men (of course) or anything male living on this planet, even the thoughts I had were full of hatred… And to avoid myself and hide from me, I decided to sleep, although I wasn’t sleepy… and it was a success… I slept for more than 12 hours…

However, this terrible disease is still with me this morning at work… I woke up with swollen eyes, looking horrible, the frown is still there, the hatred is still haunting me, and in need to hide from the whole world… I just want to hide, want to leave this whole country and be somewhere else where nobody knows me or even cares to know me… I want to live in another country, in another world, in another time, in another era…

OR, just accept the fact that is it Just PMS… and it will be over sooner or later… and what is even more annoying is my parents and friends, who keep asking me what’s wrong. And when I tell them it is PMSing, they keep telling me “batally ghalassa”… Maho the thing is, I’m not being silly… it is a natural thing that happens and they can either leave me alone till I’m better or stop asking me whats wrong because they can do nothing about it… it has to go away by itself without anybody interfering…

SIGH… the only thing bad about being a girl is PMSing… the rest is tolerable… but hating yourself for no good reason is intolerable….