unplug my head

I want a crying shoulder... I want a biiiiiiiiiiiiig hug where I can forget the whole world...
I want to sleep for a looooooooooong time to make up for all the sleepless nights... I want to scream out loud till I have no more voice... I want to run till I can't catch my breath or feel my legs.... I want to cry till I run out of tears... I want to make everybody happy... I want to tell K, K and T how much I love them, miss them and care for them without them getting me wrong or thinking that I'm falling for them... I wish I could tell R and T how much I hate them...

I dont know what is going on or happening in this head of mine... It is making those ugly and unfamiliar thoughts and never rests... All depressed, all dark and all disappointed from the whole world...

I want to leave everything and be alone for a long while... I want to take care of and look after myself... I want to eat a nice hot meal without being scared of getting fat or getting cancer... I want to quit my job and get rid of my ugly responsibilities and the feeling of boredom I have every single day... I want to have a new home; my own home...

I wish someone could unplug my head... I wish I could find an "Off" button for it...

This is exactly how I feel... SOoOoOoOoOo furious, so confused, so irritated, so annoyed by everything around me...

Going to class on a thursday night sucks big time... I have been reading stupid stuff for the last whole week about politics and policy making and agenda setting... political science is the crapiest subject I've ever studied... and I end up doing really bad on my presentation... I talked for exactly ONE minute... I suck...

Having T call me and talk to me and remind me of all the nice things we used to share made me feel all lonely and depressed and confused one more time.. Although I know its all over and I am not thinking of the issue anymore.. And although I want his friendship and really care to keep it.. BUT still I felt like I wanted more, although I shouldnt want anything in the first place...

And having her with him.. Oh My God.. although they both mean nothing to me... Actually they are good friends of mine and I want something to happen between them.. But I still felt like OMG, what is with you people? and what is going on with my head... Why am I so troubled!!?!

And N is leaving to another country and leaving me all alone... He is the only person who used to call and check on me... He is like my son.. My only son... and now he is leaving for a whole year...

And this sinus I'm suffering from.. Why the hell does it create this horrible migrane? It is killing me... the doctor says I'm also anaemic... which means I have to eat all the kinds of food that I hate so much...

And the weather, it is so damn hot.. I cant fast in that horrible weather.. not being able to drink water sucks big time... and having to stand in the kitchen for hours with the oven on makes me so damn irritated... I am tired of all that crap..

And my prayers are tasteless this year... I pray as if it is a normal habit I do.. as if I'm eating or driving... no emotions, no sense, no kheshoo3 watsoever.. I feel absolutely nothing... and I dont know how to get back to the normal me...

My days are so busy... I do a zillion thinks in the same instant till the second i go to bed and even when I am in bed, I dream and talk in my sleep and wake up to my very loud voice and annoying dreams... I am all restless..

Am I crazy??? Am I PMSing 2 weeks before the due time?!?! What the hell is going on?!?!?!!!

El bent Zai El walad :p (Girls = Boys)

Today, my brother brought his girlfriend home to meet my mum!?!?!?!?! @#$%^&*!#@$ (not for anything, just because my mum is sick and the girl came and brought flowers..)

OK... I know that most people would be like "whats the problem with that?"... But the thing is, THERE IS A BIG PROBLEM...

I am the eldest daughter of 2 Muslim and really religious parents... They have been prohibiting me from talking to guys or going out with them till I went to college... And still then I had some restrictions... I had to call them only if I wanted to talk about stuff concerning college... I was not allowed to be in close friendship with a guy... I always had a bestfriend (guy) secretly and when I first had a boyfriend, I had to hide it from the whole world afraid that my dad would burry me alive... talking to guys was something i had to do in my room while the doors are closed and with a very low voice... For God's sake I was asked to wear the veil on my 12th birthday...

Anyway, thats not the point... The thing thats bothering me is that my father raised me in that manner and NOW he says nothing about my brother bringing over his girlfriend... And when I complained he was like: "El walad 3'er el bent" (boys are different from girls)... And I was like "WHAT DA?!?!?!?!?!"... And we had this boring and long conversation where he convinced me that a girl obeys and HAS to obey but boys don't and will do whatever they want... And here is were I got REALLY furious... Is it my fault that I am obedient? I know i made so many mistakes because I had no other choice but to do stuff behind their backs, When they are really trivial stuff that do not deserve lying in the first place... but still they accepted the things that they wouldnt have accepted if it was me who did it...

My brother did not do anything.. He is a normal guy and I am not accusing him or envying him... I am just Annoyed by the fact that my parents are sexists... DAMN!

I'm trying to be somebody

I came home to find her crying... And to be honest, I was expecting it...
I came home a week ago from belad el ghorba, where I spent a whole month with her... A whole month of doing everything I can to make her happy, healthy, and satisfied... Hoping that when I come back home, I'd have my own life back and do whatever I please... And I would consider that a reward for all what I've been through... I am not saying that I was tortured, but I was under alot of pressure for the past 2 months... And I expected some acceptance of the fact that I need to be alone and get my life back... But there's no hope...

She was upset cause I went out monday and tuesday... I spent the whole 2 day out with my friends after I finished work... and another 2 days of the week I have a class right after work so I go home late. And she stays at home bored and needs me to either stay at home or take her out... I dont mind doing those things, but I wanted to do what "I" wanted for a sometime... I've always done what makes others happy and seriously need to do this tiny little thing for myself...

Is it my fault that I am obedient and love making people happy? Is she being abusive? Is she being obssessive? I thought all mothers were like that, but it turns out its only her making my life more complicated... and here she is crying and upset that I'm trying to be somebody and have a life of my own...

Is it all my mistake or hers? I have no idea...

I want to leave the country... I want to find myself... what I like and dislike... I want to be someone I want to be... I want to give myself some attention and confidence instead of always giving it to others... I want to please myself and look after myself... I want to simply do something I enjoy doing without being blamed for enjoying it... I want to feel free to be wherever and do whatever...

The Contract that takes you to Hell

What is marriage?

It is a piece of paper (they call it a contract; marriage contract) signed by 2 people and it promises both parties more than a dozen of annoying responsibilities, sacrifices, tolerance, acceptance of the other, and most importantly the challenge of being able to live your every single minute with a totally different person from the one you thought you are marrying... (If my English teacher saw that loooong sentence back in college, she would have given me an F)...

Marriage is the hardest step to be taken by a couple. And the fact that her guy actually went through the process of proposing, getting engaged and married, only means that he either does not know what he's about to live in or he is retarded and thinks that he can do it...

I always thought that marriage is the best thing in the world... The key to my eternal happiness... This is because firstly, I am an extremely romantic creature and secondly because I adore kids and can't wait to have my own... However, to realise the fact that I have to tolerate the controlling nature of a man, accept his difference and be the one to always make the sacrifices and always try to make him feel that he is better and more important than me changed all the dreamy images of marriage I always had... Its all about cooking the meals he likes eating, washing his clothes, taking care of the kids, giving him support and confidence, making him happy, which definitely involves sexual satisfaction so that he doesnt go looking for another woman.... I am not saying that men are bad... Women are extremely annoying as well... They love shopping (at the most expensive stores) and they expect their husbands to go with them not understanding that it is not of their nature... They love gold and usually expect it on every occasion... They place a great financial burden on their husbands and demand more than they can afford... They nag a lot and adore talking about problems in the wrong time.. well, both genders/sexes suck and usually are selfish enough to abuse the partner or end a marriage...

Why is it then that we go for marriage?

because our religion prohibits us from having extra-marital relationships in all ways... The fact that I'm a Muslim, middle-eastern makes me obliged by my society and culture to only love and be in a relationship with the guy I'm married to... I totally respect my religion and culture... but what I never accepted in my head is marrying someone I don't know (arranged marriage)... I would never tolerate or accept the controlling or bossy, demanding attitude of a guy I don't know or love enough...