Im falling down so slowly that I can feel every single bit of pain that comes with it...

No more dignity... No more respect... No more what I used to be or used to live in...

I feel so weak, so insecure, so out of place...

It gets worse each day... When you finally think that this is the worst it can get, it still gets worse... It feels like someone is tying a rope to my neck and everyday he pulls it a lil to suffocate me and to reduce the amount of air that could enter into my lungs...

It was never like that... I was always happy... I had no worries... Is this life? Is this the way it should be? Is it that crappy? that miserable?

They say that God grants us with problems as a way of washing our sins away... I totally believe in that... But am I that sinful? And How on earth can I feel ok about it all... They tell me I should be thankful... How can I develop that feeling? I wish I could learn how to do it? I wish I could learn to accept and adapt...

I am decending the stairs, moving into lower and lower levels... More and more darkness... More pain and more worries... And it all changed me into a dramatic person... I am too young for this, but it seems that life is teaching me how to be old...

To hell with this life, it will soon end...

Cheap is a tough word.. A tough description you could give to yourself...
Worthless is another bad description of oneself...
How can I say how I feel about myself?
He was so harsh, but he had every right to be...

"You're a grown up. How can someone your age do what you do? You are not a teenager anymore... Not a university student... You are a responsible adult... You are a pious lady in the marriage age..."

And I couldnt utter a word after he was done with his speech of teaching me how to behave like an adult respectable woman... I appologised and left to my bed... Giving my back to the world and to myself... I only wanted to hide... I felt so cheap, so childish, so ridiculous and so unworthy of respect... I felt like I didnt have a childhood... I didnt live as a teenager and I am living it now... At the age of 25...

He was so right about me... I couldnt help but burry myself in bed... Wanted so bad to hide from my own self but couldnt stop thinking of the fact that I am a child... I am cheap... I am an old woman... I am nothing...

Old..

All I could think of is my getting old..
But what does old mean? and am I really getting old? or should I call it "older"?

Time is killing me... Each day passes makes me feel older... Each hour makes me a different person... Does it? Do I really change? Drastic changes or minimal ones?

Am I really getting old? I feel old... I feel as old as my mum... So old without achieving anything... Without being old... Old but not aged... Old without age.. Old in my mid-twenties... Too old for me to handle or deal with...

And its not me who feels old... I am feeling 18... But the whole world around me is making me feel almost 40... I am always treated like I'm 40 and blamed for acting like an 18 year-old...

I am old...
No I am not... I am young and shouldnt be listening to their crap... I am young and alive and fresh and will always have the will and energy to live like an 18 year-old...

To hell with you all...

Independence

...is all I need

Total and complete independence... From my family, from love, from emotions altogether, from people, from friends, from all... Being able to live life without having to have somebody, whoever that somebody might be...

Independence... Why do I need men? They end up using me one way or another... Father, Brothers, Friends, Boyfriend, Husband, Cousin... Any man on earth can be abusive, can be harsh, can be animalistic, can be depressing and cause me pain... So why want them when all they cause is shit? Wanting a hug? an embarce? love and affection? That is usually not what they want to give, and if they give it, they only do so to get to something else... They dont give us what we are looking for, so to hell with them all... I really want to be independent...

Parents, they are so demanding... Wanting me always to be perfect and be the way they want me to be... They pressurise me, they abuse me, they stress me out, and they overload me with responsibilities... I love them and respect them, but I am tired of all the crap I have to deal with and I decided to be independent...

Friends, they suck the most... They are never there, and they are only there when they need me, they need someone to listen and care... But when I am desperately in need of them, they never show up... I tend to give and forgive and care, when nobody does anything in return... So why they hell do I need them? I want to be independent...

And a partner? Abusive... A brother? Abusive... Even a boss is abusive...

I cant live in this place... I wanna leave...

Pessimistic to a great extent...
Looking at everything in a negative way... Searching for everything that bothers me and thinking about it all... Wondering why the hell am I alive... Unable to smile for even a second... So damn depressed and so frustrated that I cant even be nice to people...

Why Am I like that??

Desperation

She felt a rush running down her body when she felt him touch her wrist... He wasnt doing it with any intension... He was simply checking out the silver bangle she was wearing in her hand... And while checking it out, he touched her wrist/arm/hand... Its not like he was experimenting her or doing anything on purpose, they were all light accidental touches that meant nothing at all... But she still felt the rush...

He is nothing to her... Just a friend she enjoys talking to... Not even someone close... Someone she knew for a short while... And she was scared of that rush she felt... She didnt understand whats going on, and why is she that fragile all of a sudden... Has she turned into a sexual freak?

She misses the tender touch, the care of another person, especially if it is of the opposite sex... She misses having someone who is there just for her... She misses the warmth of being with someone... But the thing is, he didnt offer her all that... He offered nothing at all... He only checked out the bangle... and he means nothing to her....

And now she's back home, and she thinks of nothing but the fact that she's alone and will be alone... She felt stupid... She felt in need of that rush to last longer... She felt like she has nothing to cling to... She slept!

I suddenly felt all alone for no reason I could recall of...

I was so alone... I am alone...

I spent the whole day out... with my friends, doing some errands, then doing some social obligations, then visiting the doctor for some nose problems... And on my way home, I felt so damn lonely I couldnt take it... So I grabbed my phone and started calling M.. and he didnt pick up, then MM, then K, then S... But they all didnt pick up... And I guess that was a sign... Or maybe some higher power telling me that I will be alone and this is my destiny... Or maybe Im just being too dramatic... But the four of them didnt answer... All the men in my life werent there... And they will never be...

All of a sudden I felt like I am in need of a male figure... Someone I can feel comfortable with... Someone to hug me so tight without talking or asking me whats wrong... Some man who would listen without criticizing and without commenting... A big hug... Not a hug, actually I want someone to embrace me... An embrace that would last till the morning comes... A feeling of love, support, security, home.... I miss feeling like I'm home...

This is not home... Not my home... not anymore... I really need to find a home...

It turns out it doesnt last...

My friend...

Now, we are friends... And tomorrow we will be friends... And maybe a year later you will be someone I used to know... And then you'll be gone just like all of them...

Friendship never lasts... Even friendship... I thought it was the only thing that lasts, but it turns out it doesnt... It changes, it develops, ends, begins, but never lasts... It might last, but will never be the same, not as close or as important... life changes everything... life ruins everything...

Is it work? or life responsibilities and problems? or is it just something in the air? or is it because people change over time? why isnt she my friend anymore? and why does he want to be my friend after all what was between us?

Nevermind... They will all be gone without my noticing it...

Welcome to "the" life

Numb; The best word for what I am now...
Filled with this feeling of nothingness, emptiness, loneliness, and age maybe... Although I'm only 25, but I feel so old... I also dont recognise myself anymore... I'm meeting a new me...


I've only been into the real world for 3 years, but I feel like I've been there for my entire life... I believe I was a good kid, spoiled by my grandparents and overly protected and properly raised by my parents, but I turned into the responsible eldest... And although I'm tired of this role and this position, I am glad for everything I experienced the past years... Especially those past 3 years... I was turned from a naiive, child into a grown-up... Now I can speak in public, I can revolt, I can bargain, I can ask for my rights, I can say No, I can make choices and I can make my own decisions... I can lead a life and that of others with me... Only 3 years taught me what I couldnt learn in 22 years of my life... Just getting out of the school and college gates and entering into the real world ruined the little girl in me... Everyday I am caught with any little experience that urges me to grow up and let go of the little girl in me...


I've seen life so cheerfully... I loved everyone I met, believing that they will definitely love me back... I said everything I felt like saying, not keeping any secrets or thinking before talking... I trusted all and worried about nothing... To realise that all that I am doesnt fit into this world... And I started changing subconsciously and gradually...


However, I really miss the old days, when I wasnt that scared of people... When I had no worries and no problems... When I had no responsibilities and no pain... When I dreamed believing that my dreams will come true...

But those days are over... Welcome to the new me and the new life... The routine that is killing me, the never ending problems, the burdens, the responsibilities, the envious people, the worries and troubles we fall into every second...

Welcome to "the" life..

I got rid of the weak me

Finally...
I did it... I finally took a stand and ended one of the things that were driving me mad...

Unfortunately, I'm the kind of person that tolerates a lot without complaining... I keep all the rage deep inside and try to act like there is nothing wrong with me... But it kills me deep inside and I end up miserable... And the person causing me the misery keeps doing whatever he/she does over and over not knowing that I'm being hurt...

So yesterday, she (whom I call the bitch) calls again... She is the ex-GF of my ex... She is the one he left me for... Its not like I mind, he can do whatever he pleases, but she shouldn’t be my friend for any reason on this planet... (This girl is part of many of my writings I know... I probably bored blogger.com itself from my same old story.. so anyway)

So she calls yesterday and is like "lets go out, we work in the same area, we can meet up after work sometime for coffee... why don’t u ever call me an arrange something?"... And I found myself trembling and asking her in a very polite way that I cant be her friend... I told her that we cant be friends because we have a common person between us and I am not ready to be her friend... I told her that I spent 2 years being in misery because of her and I am not willing to spend the rest of my life in misery... And when she said that it is not her fault that all this happened and that he is not in her life anymore, I was about to kill her, but I calmly thanked her for being a such a good and caring friend (yeah WHATEVER) and apologized...

And I hung up on the pain... I hung up on the suffering... I hung up on something I wasn’t powerful enough to get rid of or get out of my life... I finally was strong enough to do what I feel like doing and say what I wanted to say... I was trembling but was over the moon that I am finally free of her... and that I am not weak anymore... I took my right, I asked for it and took it by force... And although I'm feeling so damn guilty, I feel happy that I'm changing into a stronger person who can deal with difficult situations...

Its all relative... and the decision was never mine!

Ive been surrounded by many decisions to make lately that my head was about to burst of thinking...

I had a marriage proposal to decide on... I saw him 3 times before making my final decision... I knew everything I should know about a person to decide whether I can spend the rest of my entire life with him or not in 3 times, a total of 6 hours.... I was happy but still had to think thoroughly about it before making "The" decision...

My parents saw him and saw his parents, and all I could see in their faces was a big "NO"... They kept telling me "the decision is yours", but they simply made the decision for me from the looks in their eyes...

The guy was nice... He had every quality I wanted in a husband... He was well-educated, nice, pious, kind, loves kids, loves music, he reads and loves languages.... He didnt inspire me but I was happy about his qualities and thought that I could go for it... However, the overall picture wasnt that appealing... Without going into further details, my dad and mum werent happy about the rest of the package... They told me that he is an average guy, but they wont refuse him if I want him... And the decision was mine...

However, the decision was never mine.. I'm not saying that I didnt think, I didnt have the freedom of thinking clearly because they were giving me the "no" look... They werent happy and they kept telling me "you deserve better"... But what do they mean by "better"? Better is a very relative word... Do they mean better than him? or better than me? and better in what exactly? The whole package? or some parts of it? and why do I deserve better? what is the definition of the word "Better"? I didnt get it...

But this is the answer that I usually get from my parents, my family members and my friends... That I deserve better or the best... But do I really deserve them? And I need them to tell me what is the "better" or "best" that I deserve.... How does it look like? What are its components? Nobody has any clue... Its not like I regret the fact that I called the whole proposal off, but they didnt give me a chance to think and all I got from them is that same exact statement I've been getting for long now...

Its all relative... There is no clear picture of how it should be... Besides, maybe this is the best I can get... What does rich mean? or beautiful? or well-off? or social standard? or financial stability? These are all relative and they all depend on who I am; if I consider myself to be the benchmark... So to say that I deserve the best, I have to set a certain criteria to measure upon... And those criteria should be known for all so that when I get a marriage proposal, they could all compare to the set criteria... Then we could be making the right decision about the marriage proposal... Also, who judges that the criteria set by us would allow us to make the right lifetime decision? We set the criteria so akeed akeed we are biased towards a number of things, so still we wouldnt be making the right decision. For example, my parents believe that I am beautiful (they dont of course, its just an example) so they believe I should get married to a handsome guy... But in real life I'm not beautiful, and beauty is relative, so they wouldnt be making the right decision and definitely I will not be able to decide because I falsely believe that I'm beautiful when I am definitely NOT....

After I finally said "No, I wont marry him", I saw the relief in their eyes... Happiness that I made the decision that they wanted me to make... And they confessed that they didnt want it to happen or work out because "they thought I deserve better".... So again, I face the same scenario for the 25th time... And they claim that I made the decision, when they did it for me without noticing... And the pressure of me getting married starts again...

"SIGH"