Re-opening of the Wound!!!

My cell rang with her name... I've been waiting for that call and thinking about it for almost a month now...

A month ago she called me to tell me that my ex-boyfriend proposed to HER and that she wants to make sure that we will still be friends if she marries him... And of course, I was like "ya benty batally 3abat, you will always be my friend no matter what happens"... And I finally thanked her for her honesty and concern and wished her a happy life with the guy I used to love more than anything in the world...

I cried my eyes out... Cried because I felt betrayed, decieved and unworthy of anything... I didn't hate her... I just felt that she won and I lost. Although I was the one to abandon him because of his ill-treatment and his never ending drama... but still, I felt that I wasn't worth his effort... I admit I was expecting him to try to win me back, but I shouldn't have expected or wanted that in the first place... It was my decision to leave, so I shouldn't want to go back to the misery I was in...

But the truth is, each time she contacts me in any way, I start remembering how worthless I was to him and I start losing confidence and esteem again... I wish I could be rude once in my entire life and ask her never to contact me again. But how can I do that? I've never been rude to anyone... Besides, she didn't do anything wrong... It's all naseeb, and the guy likes her and rabena yes3edhom.. Then WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME? Why do I feel all this rage? why do I constantly feel like insulting them both and telling them how low and filthy they are? I can't just be rude because this is not me... but I don't want to be the naiive, simple, kind, forgiving me... I want to be strong, rude and unbehaved... I want to take revenge... but this is not my nature... I am not what I want myself to be... and there is no revenge to take... I hate myself the way it is... I am all weak and nice and emotional and sensitive... I wish I'd change to the opposite of me...

She is feeling guilty, and accordingly, she keeps calling me and checking on me every now and then... but what she is actually doing is making me feel the pain again and again and again.. She is reminding me of where I used to be and what I suffered from... She is reminding me of how stupid I was...

I wish I could simply have the courage to ignore her phone calls and emails and let her out of my life.. not that I hate her or anything, but that I want to forget and move on... and talking to her is like opening up the wound and making myself bleed all over again... I wish she could understand that she's hurting me even more and leave me alone... I wish she could disappear from my life and from my memories... but like Kundera states it "The struggle of man against power is the struggle of memory against forgetting"..

I really wish I'd be someone else other than me... I wish I can hide or maybe isolate myself from everyone... I wish I could erase myself from the world...

I hate myself...

Om El Donia, I Love You

I wrote this almost a year ago.. I wonder if I still feel the same way, especially after the Yacoubian Building's sense of negativity have invaded me..

Egypt…
Misr… and its better if you pronounce it Masr…
It gives me a chill… a sense of belongingness, excitement, and fear in the same time…
I just love my country.

Walking every morning through its crowded streets, seeing everyone running to his school, and people waiting for their public transportation to pick them up and take them to their everyday destination…

And the newspapers coming fresh and new to be placed on our doorsteps. And the smile of the “Sayess” who takes my car every morning to park it for me… He has been calling me “doctoora” for 7 years now and I didn’t even earn the degree yet…

Walking everyday in the streets of downtown to reach my office, I see the nice old buildings, who are all dirty and make you feel like they are going to fall off… but if you really look at them, you will figure out their beauty. And the many stores and café’s sticking to each other.. and the smell of the delicious “ta3meya” and “liver sandwiches” that I would never approach even if they paid me money to eat them… And the “foul” cart, with all men gathered around it and eating together before they go to work. How I love Egypt…

and the comments I hear while walking to my office... No one man can leave a lady walking in the streets without giving her a comment, even if she is the most ugly creature you can ever see. I think men like complimenting women and filling them with confidence. I guess this is part of the Egyptian culture I’m living in.

I just love my country. I love the breeze I smell every morning on my way to work, although it is full of smoke and pollution, but it just makes my day... I just love my morning walk…

I love our wedding ceremonies… although they are very loud and noisy and you would end up with a terrible headache afterwards… but I just love the fact that everyone is happy for the bride and groom and giving them this big smile and greatest moral support for taking such a step… kefaya kelmet “rabena yes3edko”… J

I love the Nile, the 6th of October bridge, which is always blocked and we never stop swearing while on it… I love the Tahrir square where I spent 7 years (and still) of my life walking in back and forth. I love the people, the Egyptians who seem to be harsh, but deep inside they are supportive and warm. I love it… all of it… with all its faults and all its beauty…
Masr Om El Donia