Yakshy twla3... I dont give a damn!

Yakshy tewla3...

A great Egyptian expression that I would like to take as a motto...
It literally means "let it all burn"... So basically, whatever happens, I wouldnt give a shit about it... Just let it go... no worries, no thinking, no wondering, no guilt, no pain... nothing... Just leave it all behind and move on...

Thats what I am about to be... or trying so hard to be... Just ignore whatever is happening around me... And live each day as if its the last...

Everything ends and every problem has a solution.. So why kill myself worrying when there is nothing I can do about it...


Lets Begin :)

Spare... Additional... Extra... Second best

Spare key... Spare wheel... Spare friend... Spare girlfriend... Spare fun...
Anything spare... Just the idea of being the extra or additional thing used if the original thing of its same kind fails to function...
It is usefull, and serves a great purpose... It is usually used in emergencies and is of great value and importance in these moments...

It is never the main wheel.. nor the main key... It is usually kept aside till the time to use it comes.. Always left or kept in some place to be used when needed, so it is a "when needed" thing...

It can never be the first, the main, the important, the initial... It has to always be placed as second, except of the first is lost... And even when the first is lost, the spare will always be treated as the second best that was resorted to because the first or the main was gone... was lost...

I am the spare key, the spare wheel, the spare friend... the spare that will always be the second best... but never the first choice... never the "First"

Women: Complainers and Drama Queens

I've always heard men saying that women are such drama queens and are the ones usually responsible for the nakad (drama) in the house... Other men say that women never stop complaining about anything and everything... More men are sick of their wives/GFs wanting to their first priority; i.e. she wants to come before his work... I was always like "have mercy on women, they tolerate alot, and no women are not all that"... But today, I realised that this is all true of typical women.. At least typical of Egyptian women...

My mother is the best on this planet... She is well educated, knowledgeable, cultured, of a high class, I consider her an aristocrat... She has a great taste in clothes, food, furniture, everything... She is an amazing wife... However, she is a typical Egyptian Woman... She never stops complaining... about anything and everything... She complains about every single detail in the house, the kids, her husband, her sickness, anything.... and what amazes me is that she is never tired of complaining... Whats new today is that I heard her telling dad over dinner "I want to be your first priority till the last minute"... That triggered all the rage in me and I found myself filled with rage... I cant believe she actually told him so... The guy does everything he could to make her happy and satisfied... And he works to make her life easy... But she doesnt understand that... She wants him to leave work and take her to the hospital, when she can ask her son to take her, or she can simply postpone her appointment for a day when he can take her... But all hat came up to her mind was to tell him that she wants to be a first priority...

I wish I could tell her that this way she is losing her husband... He will soon get tired of her way... I wish I could tell all typical women to stop what they're doing to themselves and their partners... I am not saying that men are angels and we're the ones ruining everything, I am just telling all women who have men that love them, to stop being drama queens so as not to lose their partners...

I hope I dont turn out to be a typical woman EVER!

Dont have a title for that

She finally got cured... The nightmare is over... it was a year full of everything bad in the world... Financial problems, then my break-up, then his proposing to someone else, then my aunt's sickness, then my mum's sickness.... It was a tough year... More than a year... It all started on the 19th of July 2005 and today is the 18th of May 2007...

Isnt that too much to handle? Or am I the weak and sensitive kinda girl? I dont know... But Ive always felt like I want to cry... I am someone who cries easily, but this time, I want to cry in a different way... I want to cry to feel better... to let out all whats deep inside... I want to say that I am heartbroken for so long now and I cant get out of it... I want to say that I am tired of the burden over my shoulder that this family is causing me.. I want to say that I was so scared that I'd lose my mother... She was dying infront of my eyes and I didnt recognise it till she went into the operations room... She was in pain, crying 24/7, thinking that she was dying, wanting so much to end her misery... I was in DEEP shit those past 10 months... Doing nothing but trying so damn hard to cheer her up, make her laugh, take care of her... I spent sleepless nights and endless mornings trying to make her forget what she was going through... The month I spent in london with 2 cancer patients was TOUGH... The hospital days were so damn tough... The night when I saw her intestines coming out of her body was the worst ever... The day when I heard she had cancer was more than death to me... The day when R told me that he forgot about me cause he proposed to her, and the way I cried while at work was more than I could have ever tolerated...

I dont know if I'm spoiled or being all sensitive and touchy, but this is truely how I feel... I feel broken, alone, weak, pressurised, depressed, desperate, in pain and in need of therapy...

I need to get out of here... Fast... before I lose my mind... I dont want to be the eldest.. I dont want to be responsible... I dont want to start hating myself again... I dont want to be in pain or face problems... I just want to get out of here....

grandma and aunty

Had a chat with my grandma this afternoon about love and marriage...

She was divorced twice and is about to experience her third divorce... And what surprised me is that she kept giving me advice about both when she was a failure in both for all her life now...

She told me that the love we see in movies and books does not exist and that using the mind is always better than using the heart... She also informed me that when 2 people in love get married, they usually end up seperated because they both expect things from their partner, which is quite dreamy and non-existent and they end up not happy about being together...

The lecture she gave me kept clinging in my head till my aunt came tonite and started telling us about her experience too... She was divorced three times but got back to her last husband... She told me that what was wrong about her first marriage is that she was so young and naiive and didnt make the right choice... She also told me that she would always let go of things, applogise, and make up with him although it was always him being wrong and dramatic... But she did so because she hated drama and trouble and wanted her life to go on smoothly... But she couldnt take it anymore and realised the problem of not setting limits to her husband from the beginning...

The both made me think about myself and my experience in this world... I am a hopeless romantic, falling in love with someone without thinking.. I am totally blind and was trying so hard to make it work out... Also, I think of love and marriage in a very dreamy non-existent way... something that is not realistic whatsoever... thats why I will probably end up making the wrong choice...

Their words came in the right time... The time when I decided to let go of my almost 3 years old love and start over.... Love is something belonging to teenagers, to dreamers, but not to people like me wishing for a family, kids and a peaceful easy life... I shouldnt be thinking that way anymore... What will love do me??? All I got was a heartache... More and more pain that is never over... I kept waiting for so long and nothing is happening... So id better start using my mind before I end up divorced and alone...

Is it better to marry someone you love or someone that loves you?

This question has been killing me for a lot now… I don’t have an answer for it yet…
I felt both, loved and being loved… But both feelings were not the same by the other side. The first one loved me much more than I ever loved him… He was willing to do anything just to make me happy and be my side… He did all he could to win me, and I didn’t give him a chance… was it just because I didn’t love him back as much as he did? Although I had everything, I couldn’t go on with it because I didn’t have that much love for him… He was more a friend than a loved one…

Then I met this other person, whom I loved more than I loved anyone in the whole world… I was willing to give up anything just to make him happy and be by his side… But he never loved me that much… I sometimes wonder whether he loved me in the first place… I believe I was more of a friend to him, or a younger sister, or maybe even a younger "guy" friend… He cared a lot to be honest, but love, I don’t know if he ever loved me as much as I did. With him, I did so many things that I never thought I would do… I crossed all the limits that I set for myself and I changed a lot hoping that he would love me more, or love me at all… But he was never satisfied and never happy with me… And that was when I left and decided that he doesn’t want to be with me…

Was I wrong? Was I supposed to cling to the one who loved me better than the one I loved? Or is it a normal phase that any person should pass through before finally finding "the one"? I have no clue…

What bothers me is that I am still clinging to the one that doesn’t love me… And whenever I give myself the hope by feeling like he loves me, I realize that he doesn’t and that it is just me trying so hard to find what I am looking for… Will he ever feel the same? Did he ever feel the way I felt for him? I don’t think so… And I don’t think he ever will… But, does that mean I should go look for someone who loves me better than running after someone who doesn’t have anything for me?

He keeps giving me hope and taking it away from me… He keeps making me over the moon then sending me back to earth down in the deepest of holes… Today, he told me "you deserve someone better than me"… A while earlier, he told me that he will marry me by the end of this year… I have no clue what to do… And I don’t know how to deal with this heart of mine…

I am starting to hate him… I am starting to get tired of waiting and hoping… I am fed up and sick of his presence and absence… He being there and not really being there… I am soooooo tired of this… I want to get to know where I stand… I really wish I would get out of this whole world…to find a cure to how I feel… and to get rid of your spell…

"Commitment Freaks" and "Priority Seekers"

We were having a business related conversation when I suddenly found myself asking him (my cousin) "why arent u getting married already?"...
He is 35... He is gorgeous, smart, fun, kind, generous, and well off... What else would any girl in the world want?!

And he was like "Whenever I get close to someone, I feel pressured, and feel like she is taking my freedom from me"... I think he has turned into a commitment freak... When I asked him what does she do to make you breakup with her or decide not to commit?? He simply said "Girls want 100% attention and presence... They want to be our first priority... and the truth is, they are our first priority and they truly come before work... and being busy at work and not giving her too much time is not something we love doing... I am working to make her life easier and make her happier... I dont love work, I have to do it to make our lives better... After a little while of being together, she starts asking the normal annoying questions 'where have you been? why dont u answer ur phone? why dont you call me or check on me?' I feel trapped and annoyed... I wouldnt sacrifice my freedom unless she is someone I REALLY love... in that case, love would make me blind enough to tolerate all the annoyment"...

He was right... We women want their full attention... Their being always there is something we always seek... I always hated his (my ex) job because he spent so many hours there... And when he started studying, he spent more hours everywhere but with me... Even our phonecalls became shorter and right before he went to bed, that I usually initiated hanging up because I always wanted him to have some rest to be able to resume his energy the next day... But I never asked him to call me more or give me more time... I just commented rarely by saying that I dont want him to study anymore so that he can have more time for me... Is that what made him run away... Did I really freak him out and gave him the impression that I want to be his first priority (before work)? I never thought that way... I always knew that Men, especially Middle Eastern ones, give their work and career more importance than women do.. But this is not that they dont love us, its because they have so many obligations that they have to fulfill as men... Thats why we are always some how left behind at home wondering if they love work more than they love us... A man's Career success is important for her actually more than it is for him... This makes her respect him and look highly upon him and makes the relationship last...

I hope that one day I would marry some guy who is successful so I can look highly upon him... And I promise I will try so hard not to complain...

Secret GF or the "Convenient" type?!?!

I dont get it...
All the laughs and calls... All the nice words and compliments...
What are they for?
Could it be that I'm just the "convenient" type? He just enjoys the chats and thats it.. No committment, no responsibilities, no anything... And when I try to have something more serious, all I get is, "you're my lil' friend"... And here I start getting confused... How can all that be just "friendship"? I know what friendship is, and I tried it a million times with the opposite sex, and what we have is not friendship...

Was all what he said just a joke? something to laugh about? Was he just making fun? I thought he was serious... It came out so well that we're gonna be together soon... But today he denied that we could EVER be together... I felt ashamed of myself... I felt so small, where no one notices me... I felt like I'm a secret in his life that he wants to hide for good.. He doesnt want anyone to know that I exist in his life or that he exists in mine... He confused me... He urged me to keep it a secret and denied the "us" thing again...

It seems that I tricked myself one more time... Seems like I fell one more time... Seems like I'm stupid to an extent that I fell in the same hole I fell in before...

What am I to him??? I really need an explanation :(