The secret of my Happiness

I felt the happiness...
I was HAPPY... All I could think of was Happiness... I was over the moon... Wanted to scream, sing, dance, fly, do all the crazy things in the world... I was sooooooooooooo HAPPY... Although my mother spent the whole day complaining about a million things, my dad was making the whole family misterable, my car died on my way home, and above all, I was PMSing... But I still felt happiness... Whatever I say, I will not be able to describe the happiness I felt... And all that for what?

I saw him that day, and spent half an hour with him, eating and laughing out loud about our usual issues... And all he said and repeated a million times is "you're sexy, you're amazing, you look great after you lost weight, I'm proud of you" :))))) I was over the moon... I saw it in his eyes; admiration, desire, pride, happiness... He simply commented on everything; my clothes, my ring, my anklet, my face, my lips, my sandals, the way I looked at him, my skin color...
And later on the phone he was like "I will have to marry you before this year ends" :))))))) HOW ON EARTH SHOULD I TAKE THAT STATEMENT?????!!!!!! I was basically out of this whole galaxy of happiness :) Then, the next day he was like "We will have 2 kids"... Here, I started getting scared... I felt like what he's saying is for real...

Does he really want me? Is it True that he wants me? Or is it just an illusion I'm living in? Is it another trick that I'm falling into? Or is it true and I heard it well???

I won't deny the fact that I love him more than anyone in the whole world... And all I wanted was to be with him forever, but I also remember him giving up on me... I remember him proposing to someone else 2 months after we faught... I remember him telling me a month ago that he ONLY loves me as a FRIEND... What is going on in his head? and what is with mine? I just forget and forgive so easily... The moment I heard the "marriage" and "kids" phrases, I was sooooooo happy that I couldnt sleep for a whole night :) Thinking about him and how much I adore everything about him...

Then I started getting scared... Scared that he'd leave me again... Scared that this would all be just my imagination... Scared that he wont be mine... Scared that it would turn out to be a joke, and I'd find myself Only his friend again... Scared that I would do something stupid that would make him go away again... I'm terrified and need alot of assurances from him... I wish he'd just say it clearly... I wish he would say all the magic words Ive been dying to hear him say...

At least I got to be Happy, when everything around me was making me Depressed..

"Falling" in Love

Loving someone more than you love yourself is so hard to live with...
OH MY GOD! It feels so great to realise that you love someone more than anything in the whole world.. not even yourself...

You feel like you want to give him the whole world... To lose everything in the world if that would make the loved one happy... To be willing to lose that person to another if that will make him/her happy... Have you ever felt that way???

I did... And I find it Amazing... To actually feel that your heart doesnt belong to you anymore, it belongs to that person and only him... To be willing to change drastically just for that person... To sleep and wake up knowing that you want nothing in the world but to be beside him... To live in pain and misery knowing that you will never be with that person... Maybe thats why we call it "Falling" in love... You fall, and you get hurt and you laugh and you cry... It is painful and its pain is good in some way... Actually its great :)

LOVE... Its awesome... Even its pain is awesome... The happiness you get out of it, although it doesnt last, but its worth it...

I am probably insane feeling that way... I am insane :)
I want to fall in love again...

Losing Weight = Confidence

I went to this diet doctor a month and a half ago to lose weight... The first thing he told me was "you dont need to lose weight"... But I needed it, I was thinking of nothing but the day when I will look in the mirror and find myself sexy... And I started a diet to lose 8 kilos...

And here I am, lost only 6 kilos and Im getting all the compliments in the world... Everyone is telling me how great I look after losing weight and that I did a great job... Everyone is noticing and everyone is commenting and I am sooooooo Happy about it... I never felt that good about myself in my entire life... Its not because people started telling me about it, but for the idea of looking at myself in the mirror and not rejecting any part of me... For the first time in my life I started acceptig me and liking me... And it feels so weird to like myself... To feel like I am a good looking person, that I dont hate myself anymore... I am not saying that I am a super model, or that I am so beautiful, but I finally am happy about my looks :))))))

It is depressing to deprive myself from food and to spend days feeling hungry... But it felt great to look good and be admired by others :)

If Only I Could...

If only I could be anybody else but me...
If only I could change...
If only I could get out of this world, out of this home... Out of this whole country...
Just go away... Anywhere away from this life, from this home, from the problems...
If only I could find a place to hide... Somewhere to cry out loud and lose all the tears in the world... If only I can fly whenever I want, whereever I wish to be... If only I could be with the person I want to be with... The one I've been waiting for and dreaming of...
If only I could just ignore the problems, the worries, the corruption, the routine...
If only I could wear what I please and say whatever I feel like saying without worrying about being misunderstood...
If only.... SIGH