Speechless
Not willing to talk or write…
Have a lot in my head that I cant let out or let go of…
Him, what should I do about him?
And her? What is it that would make her happy?
And that? How can I deal with it?
And this problem? Which solution will work?
And the future? And the past? And now? And then????
What is it that is going on in my head? Who am I dealing with? Whom do I care about? Who is hurting me? Who is caring for me?

Should I go for it? Is he a good person for me? And will I be a good partner for him? Is he my destiny? Is he the one im gonna be living with for the rest of my life?

And what about her? Is she cured yet? Should I back off and start living a life of my own? Or am I still obliged to take care of her and be there for her… Will that be the state for good?

What about him? Wont his problems end sometime soon? Why is it that we are facing a problem after the other and they seem to never end? Is it because of me or because of them? Am I the reason for all this mess or is it just my destiny?

What should I do? Where should I go? Who should I talk to or be with?

She cut my top to pieces the asshole...

I experienced the weirdest of all experiences this afternoon...

I came home to find one of my tops without its sleeves... The sleeves were cut using scissors... I was shocked to death... And when I went and asked my sister what happened to my top, she was like "i needed the sleeves so i cut the top to use the sleeves"... I WAS ABOUT TO SCREAM OUT LOUD... I couldnt believe what she said and what she did... And she said it as if its something normal to take someone's top and cut off its sleeves... I was like "WHAT? ARE YOU CRAZY? HOW COULD YOU DO THAT?"

And all I got from her was shouting that she didnt do anything wrong and she had no choice but to do so... Not just that, I found my clothes thrown out on her bed... 2 tops, 2 scarves, my black pants, my brown bag, my makeup, all thrown carelessly on her bed and the sleeves of the top joined the mess that she made out of my stuff... And she kept shouting "ya3ny kan el mafroud a3mel eh ya3ny?"....

And all I could think of was everything I did to her and all I got was her cutting off my top... All I did was try so hard to make her happy and all she ever did was disrespect me and my feelings and make me misrable every single day... I didnt spend a night in this house without her making me sad or angry... She abuses me 24/7 and I never complain... And when I finally complain, they all start telling me the usual lesson of me being the eldest and being the eldest means tolerating all this crap I've been living with for the past 25 years of my life...

I cant get it... Am I too behaved for this family? Or am I too weak? to selfless? too fragile? What is wrong with me? and what is wrong with them?

I hate her and hate every person who abuses me... I hate her because she is so selfish that she sees nobody but herself and pleases nobody but herself... I hate her because she never respected me or cared for me... I hate her because she abuses me... I hate her because she never helps out and is never there for anyone but herself... I hate her because she is an air-head... I hate her because she tore my top...

Rules of relationships

What are those rules that makes a relationship work?

Are there rules? I doubt...

I had a chat with some girls... And the three of us were looking at our parents and accordingly setting the rules for our future relationships; if any...

Rule # 1: No breakfast in bed.

But the thing is, I'd love to spoil the one I love, especially during the first month or 2 of marriage... I would love to make him the food he loves and serve it in bed... But it seems that he will abuse it instead of treat it as a luxury... So I'd better not do it so as not to make it a habit for the rest of my life with him...

Rule # 2: No cleaning the house by urself... Either he helps out or brings u a housekeeper.

Its not that I will clean the house alone, but I am very weird when it comes to cleaning... I have to have everything around me clean or else I wont be able to live in the house... However, doing so would make him feel like I can take care of the house on my own and he will never offer to help.

Rule # 3: Never raise ur voice higher than that of ur partner in a fight.

Women are supposedly calm, and have a lower voice than that of her husband... She shouldnt shout at him or raise her voice at a higher volume than his... He would instantly feel that she is being bossy or giving him orders, or teaching him a lesson, so they would ruin everything... Women please give them the chance to shout coz being as loud as a donkey makes them feel like they r MEN..

Rule # 4: Never iron his clothes.. Send them to the dry cleaners..

Rule # 5: If he appologises, forgive him because if it takes him alot to of time and effort to make u forgive and forget, he will simply stop appologising or end the whole relationships all together... Nobody is perfect my dear and he will make a million mistakes.

Rule # 6: Never let parents interfere in a fight, they ruin the whole relationship.

One of us is getting married this month... And probably she will give us more of those rules for us to follow :)

The story of a nobody who lead herself to being a nobody

She is moving around in the house.... Trying so hard to stop herself from thinking... Trying so hard to stop waiting for his call...

Let us call her "G"... Or maybe "L"... Let it be "L" for "Young Lady", cause she happens to be young and a lady...

So L is moving around the house, talking to her mum, fighting with her brother, listening to songs, distracting herself just for the sake of forgetting the fact that he never calls, he never checks on her, he never bothers to even send her a msg... So she decides to ignore him... And to prevent herself from calling him like she always does, she hid her phone somewhere where she cant hear it, or use it... But still, she goes to the hiding place every 10 minutes to check whether he called, to find nothing from him...

So she decides to read a book, maybe the story would take her mind off the phone issue... Then, she showers, eats, drinks coffee... But still, she cant stop thinking about the fact that he doesnt call... Not just that, he doesnt care, he doesnt appreciate, he is never there... He is simply some feelings she has in her heart that he doesnt even share with her... All she is holding on to is his everyday phonecall that lasts for not more than 30 minutes, during which she laughs her heart out... And that is it...

She happens to be desperate for more than just that, but she never asks for more... And he never gives more than that, making her feel that this is all what she is worth taking from him... She simply waits and waits, with no comfort and no hope in him ever calling... And she ends up calling him, laughing a little, and going back to her life of sadness, worries and waiting... waiting for the coming call of the coming day...

L happens to be a dreamer... Its not that she doesnt accept her reality, but she wishes for a more romantic and loving one... So she dreams of having her own home, with a loving husband and 2 kids... She dreams of him telling her that he loves her... She dreams of the day of being his... She dreams of seeing her children grow... She dreams of the day when all her problems would end and would be happy... She never stops dreaming and her dreams are all optimistic and cheerful..

L also happens to be patient... She tolerates his coldness and his being hesitant and unable to take a serious step towards her... She takes care of all problems surrounding her with patience... Waiting and knowing that the good days will come when the problems will end and life would be cheerful and fun again... She loves life and waits for it to become better...

She waits... She waits forever... Wishing, dreaming and hoping... Dreaming of everything nice and living in those dreams of hers...

L waits for him, but he is never there and never will be... She waits for happiness, but it is never there and never will be... She waits for solutions but problems never end and never will... She waits and waits and waits...

L is now 40... Still dreaming and still waiting and nothing happens... She realised that she wasted her years waiting, dreaming, wishing, and hoping, for nothing... And was it her fault? Her problem? her mistake? Yes it was, because dreamers are not born for this world, and romantics do not survive in this reality....

Ms. Crying Shoulder!

I dont know whats with me that makes people confide in me...

I suddenly find them talking about their most intimate things and their long kept secrets when they just knew me for a little while...

Ive always been like that... Having so many people that are not even my close friends considering me their close friends and telling me all about their problems, love, relationships (in all its types), anything and everything... I always thought of myself as the biggest ear and the widest crying shoulder.. Hehehehe (although I'm so short)...

Anyway, so its normal for me to hear from a friend that she is pregnant although she's not married (which is a BIG taboo in my culture) and that she is having an abortion... And it is also natural to hear a married friend tell me the details of the intercourse she just had last night... I've heard many weird things and I had the advantage/trouble of hearing and not saying anything back... Just listen and know and sometimes give advice... But yesterday, I heard this complaint/problem from a person I wasnt expecting that she would ever talk to me about such things...

She simply told me that she is not comfortable with her husband... That he is always sad, depressed, he never talks to her unless she initiates the conversation, he never takes her out, his talks are all about problems, and he is always either reading or watching TV... However, with all this frustration he is in and causing her, he tends to approach her physically, but she just refrains... She simply said that she doesnt want him anymore... "How could I do it when I dont want him to even touch me? How can I do it when he is always causing me depression?"... And she started crying... I didnt know what to say... So I asked her when was the last time they did it, and I was shocked to know that it was a YEAR ago...

I couldnt utter a word... She was crying and I saw it in her eyes that she felt guilty telling me about such problems... She has always been telling me about everything but this... She talks to me and only me because she is not friends with her mother and she doesnt have a sister or a best friend... So it was me she told and I was out of words and out of advice for a long while...

I realised that I wasnt anymore the child I used to be... I was an adult and asked for advice about things Ive never tried or experienced before... But suddenly I was like "a year is ALOT... Maybe thats why he is always quite and depressed"... And I asked her to do it, and maybe this will make the relationship better... And for a lil while I feared that he would go for someone else that would give him what he needs... and thats why I asked her to do it... Although I know how a woman would feel when she is doing it when she doesnt feel like she wants to, or when she doesnt tolerate the guy touching her...

I wasnt sure whether I was giving her the right advice, or was I torturing her even more.... Should a wife reject her husband when she doesnt want him? should she do it just for him? should she accept being just a machine? should she confide to someone about her problem? I believe she should talk to him about it directly and try to find a solution together... But are Egyptian men willing to talk and find solutions? especially when it comes to this sensitive issue? Is marriage that hard and are relationships that bad especially after long years of being together?

Talking to the sea

The sea is awesome...
I simply have conversations with it...

Have you ever sat in front of the sea and talked to it without REALLY talking???

I just took a deep breath and smelled the air... The cool air... The smell of the sea was awesome... It simply took all the pain away and replaced it with a feeling of relaxation and calmness I have never felt before... Like I had nothing to worry about... And it was just me and the sea... The far away blue horizon... The rocks, the waves hitting me so high, the sand, the sound of the waves hitting the shore... It was heavenly and peaceful...

I didnt have to tell the sea about what was bothering me... He knew all about it... He read it in my eyes and tears... And led me to the solution... And I found comfort in everything he said... I went home happy... cheerful... As if I erased all my memories... All my troubles...

FGM: Cutting off their source of pleasure & happiness

I was shocked to hear her say so...

And I hope she didnt see the shock in my eyes... It was right beside me... It was with me every single day for 2 years now and I didnt know it...

She simply asked me out of nowhere "do you know what is female circumcision? are you circumcized like us?"... For a second, I didnt know what to tell her... I am not circumcised and I couldnt lie to her... So I told her I wasnt, I didnt face what they faced and hopefully wont face what they are facing now...

It was so weird hearing that from her... Ive known her for 2 and a half years and we never spoke of anything personal... And all of a sudden I found her complaining about marriage, her sex life, and her being circumcised... And that was too much to grasp in the same minute...

So she started by telling me her experience after marriage... She told me that intercourse is troublesome... She said that he was expecting something from her and he didnt get it... And here is where she told me that she was circumcised... So I asked her whether she enjoyed having sex, and she gave me the expected depressing answer that she didnt because she doesnt have the source of pleasure... She even said it was painful and not enjoyable... "But there are feelings" she said... But I didnt get what she meant by "feelings"... But whatever that is, there was no pleasure in the scene...

I started wondering whether she's happy... She looks happy, but is she Really happy when she doesnt know what pleasure feels like and only feels pain? Or is she happy because either way she doesnt know anything about sexual relationships or how they should be??!! Is she upset that she is unable to please her husband?

Then came my other colleague, who asked me the same question without knowing that my first colleague was talking about the same issue... She sounded happy that I am not, and told me that she accuses her sister of being an idiot cause she did this to her little daughter... Although her husband didnt want that to happen...

She also told me that their parents always told them that circumcision is a sign of a girl's honor... It is also a proof that she is not a whore... That she is well-behaved and mannered... But she saw many uncircumcised girls who are mannered and behaved... And said that she wouldnt do that to her daughter (if she ever has one)...

What shocked me even more is that both of them had no idea what sexual intercourse is all about... They didnt know about foreplay, or arousal, or orgasm... NOTHING... They are 10 yrs older than I am and know nothing about how sex goes... And one of them is actually married... I am in extreme shock and frustration knowing that... How the hell do those people actually get married?? How do they do it when they dont feel any pleasure? Do they do it out of duty? And why are that all that ignorant? Dont they read? watch movies? hear some advice from their friends, parents, relatives, ANYBODY?!?!?!

More shocking is the fact that women are the ones insisting on circumcising their daughters... How the hell can a woman inflict pain on her child? But if u think of it from another angle, this is how their culture is, actually MY culture is... If she is not circumcised, then she is an alien, an "outsider", someone not abiding to the beliefs of the majority... So who am I to judge them as right or wrong? I am just a part of 20% of the citizens of this country who had the chance to get some good education... So I suddenly thought of myself as the weird one, the one not belonging to the group, the minority.. Actually, I felt like I was the one who is wrong and not accepted by my own culture... Or maybe the one they want to be like or wish to be in her place!

Am I the image of what the Western thinking is trying to do to my country? Am I the developed part of the underdeveloped country I'm living in? Am I better or worse off??? I know that I'm definitely glad that I am what I am, but do I have the right to tell them that they are wrong???

I just wish they would end this act because they deprive women of many nice things in this world... And I also wish they would stop using the term "FGM" for Female Genital Mutilation...

Isolation to find me...

Working in down town Cairo means no parking...
So I park everyday 5 to 7 mins away from my office...
I never was upset about whatever I face while walking to work everyday... The garbage thrown everywhere, the beggers, informal sellers of chinese products running away from the policy, even being harrassed every morning is something I usually blamed on myself and not men (although I hate men for doing what they do)...

Anyway, today I decided to isolate myself wherever I am...
I closed the car windows and had the music loud just to enter a world away from the real world around me.... Also, I decided to put on my headphones to isolate myself from the passers by, from the loud car horns, from people swearing, and from the verbal harrassement I experience every morning... I didnt want to even hear the beggers wishing me health and safety...
So I did... I listened to a very romantic, out of this world song.. But I was still in the world I was trying to hide from... The eyes couldnt perform the isolation needed... I couldnt hide from crossing the street, from seeing the eyes of men looking at me, from seeing couples holding hands and whispering sweet words...

I wasnt loking for isolation because I'm tired of whatever I see, hear or experience... I just felt like being alone.... was searching for myself... However, I realised that isolation is impossible... I couldnt isolate myself at home nor in the street or at work... Although I can just avoid hearing or seeing whatever that is surrounding me, I will always be physically there... So should I just let go of this idea of needing to be alone?!?!?!?!

Who am I?

I have no clue...
Am I the naiive, senstive one?
or the conservative, narrow-minded type?
or am I the bitchy type?
or am i the caring and passionate type?
or maybe the bossy, annoying type?
the romantic type? the materialistic type? the giving type? the greedy type? the generous type? the loving type?
Am I the mess he chose? or am I the best he could ever have?
Am I their best daughter, or their troublesome one?
Am I his good friend or his love? or maybe nothing at all?
who am I? I am somebody I know but dont know...

Im seen by many in many different ways... And Im seen by myself as one with many of these perceptions combined... But who I really am is something I cant figure out...

An hour alone observing a new generation

This was a bit weird.. I travelled back 10 years to when I was in middle school...

The setting: City stars, costa coffee, the one next to the cinema... And it was before 6pm when people were coming out of the movies... And it seems that middle school just finished their exams and are going out... The whole floor was full of kids aging between 12 and 15 yrs... I couldnt resist but watch every group of girls and boys walking and talking..

Girls are so dressed up... With all the flittery and goldish stuff... I can see the wide gold belt worn by every girl walking by.. And the tight tops and leggings... The curly hair, and their checking out the girls and guy walking beside them... Why are they all dressed up although they are only going to the movies?!?!?! Was I like them when I was their age? I remember being all tomboy.. wearing jeans and long sleeved T's coz I was veiled... I remember never being concerned with accessories or make-up... or even doing my eye brows... I basically wasnt that girly back then... I remember that the first time I did my eyebrows was in high school

Anyway, then came a group of guys... And it turns out they were fighting for some reason I couldnt figure out... They were 2 groups and hitting each other... I suddenly remembered when the guy I admired back in high school was in a fight and was hit in his eye... and that I cried my eyes out coz I was worried about him....

Suddenly, 4 HUGE men appeared in the scene, in black suits and holding those walkie-talkie things, probably coming to end the fight... And all the kids ran away and the fight was over... What amazed me is that the guy who was fighting was the smallest in size... He was so short and thin, but had a loud voice... And was the "Cool" kinda guy having his pants so low that u can see his underwear...

Am I growing old or is it that I didnt live my childhood? I dont remember being like those kids.. And I dont recall so concerned with the opposite sex or wearing so much colors and make-up... Generations change dramatically... And with them, behavior and attitudes change... I find myself so naiive compared to my sis who is 7 yrs younger... or my bro who is 12 yrs younger... I wonder weather this is so because I am the eldest, or because I belong to a totally different generation...

Wow.. Here comes the "banana"... I mean the chick... A lady wearing everything a guy would love to see... so damn tight and so damn sexy... but sexy in a bitchy way.... And I can see all the eyes of men AND women in Costa watching her walk to the cinema...

I go back to my own generation now before I lose my mind...

20,000 seconds and Latte' skimmed milk please :)

Its funny that with all whats in the world, simple and unnoticed things makes one happy...

A smile, a bar of chocolate, a nice compliment, a rose, or even drinking a nice cup of coffee can make someone happy and cheerful...

This morning, it was the song that I heard on my way to work... "20,000 seconds" by K's Choice... Although it isnt a cheerful song at all, but I just listened to it twenty thousand times :) ... The lady is actually sad that she lost her boyfriend and is counting the damn seconds... But still, the fact that she is that in love with him made me happy...

Then it was the amazing tall latte' skimmed milk from Cilantro... It made my whole morning... I came to work smiling after a whole month or even more of continuous depression... I felt like I am happy for no reason... Or maybe I'm just tired of being depressed and those tiny things helped me out of the drama.. Drinking it on my way to work, and seeing the same scenes; the security guards at the AUC doors, the candy guy (3amo Sayed), the parking guys...

Then it was a phone call from an old friend, who saw me after a really long time and gave me some nice compliments...

I guess I can be happy in many easy and simple ways.. However, I have to go after what makes me happy... Its like taking happiness pills...

Men; enemies of successful women!

I wonder how he feels... I wonder what triggered him to say what he said...

Am I that provocative? Am I the cause of his depression...

He blamed me... indirectly for being successful, for earning money and for spending it... Although there is no way that he could be jealous of me, he still accused me of being inconsiderate of the situation we're in... He accused me of something I cant explain... He accused me of being good, polite, obedient, caring, and spending what I earn on myself and my family...

I found those accusations so out of place, but I figured out that he is not happy about the fact that I'm successful (somehow)...

Do all men fear successful women? Do all men feel like a successful woman is a threat? Do all men feel jealousy towards their successful female partners? Are all men like him?

And if so, should I just not be successful in order to satisfy all men in my life? Should I forgoe my dream of becoming a professor because then, I wouldnt be able to find a husband who would accept to marry a woman who has a good career? should I be ignorant to secure having a partner and a family? Is being successful something provocative to the opposite sex? And is that a natural thing?

I am a very down to earth person... I never show off and Im never snobby... What the is provocative about me? Why did he say that today when all I did was care and help? And why does the other always tell me that I'm "over qualified" for him?

I asked a guy friend and he was like "thats the nature of males and females"... He told me that jealousy exists even between the same sex. And because men are the ones responsible for the financial obligations of the home, he is always expected to be more successful and earn more than his wife does... Accordingly, the opposite is not really appreciated and creates jealousy and tention between partners... He also told me that women wouldnt respect their husbands if they r not successful and satisfying the financial needs of the family...

I thought life was much simpler than this... I also thought that relationships (in all their forms and kinds) were alot more fun... But they are not... and it turns out that men are enemies of successful women...